If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
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Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
🤣🤣🤣
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.