[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
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*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
The Wolf of Wall Street.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Meow
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now