The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
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Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit