My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
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for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.