“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
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Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Hotels are back
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?