Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
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[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce