Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
You Might Also Like
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Phones down.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy