The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
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“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
jesus, what did this guy do
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.