Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
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If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Support your local cemetery
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
There’s never enough good news
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds