Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
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[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?