Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
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Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it