There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
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Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
*lint rolls you awake*
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!