People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
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If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
ibopfufen
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.