“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
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Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.