I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
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Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.