Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
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swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
brian had himself a morning…
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
It has been 3 years since Monday.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!