me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
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Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic