Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
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Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first