Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
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So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
My dog ate my work from home.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.