The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
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At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going