My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
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Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*