Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
You Might Also Like
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing