I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
You Might Also Like
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb