Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
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The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.