[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
You Might Also Like
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
*names my little horse OneTrick*
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers