The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
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in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.