When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
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[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you