I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
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The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”