i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
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Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
this is the news I live for
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.