“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
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Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I came this close!!!!
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
huge if true: the moon
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.