I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
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[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE