[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
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McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
I wish I were this cool 😂
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.