“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
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Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.