I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
You Might Also Like
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
when someone rings the doorbell
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.