What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
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*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.