🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
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Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?