All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
You Might Also Like
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
(2022)
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol