Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
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Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
A drum solo but on your face.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?