When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
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Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.