The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
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Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
In case you needed to hear it:
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*