5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
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The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Nose
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Möther may I have a snäck
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
[the middle of showering] I need a break
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools