Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
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*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
worst…sale…ever
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
can’t talk my ride’s here
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either