Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
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Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
“That’s what” – She
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
i can’t wait that long
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
just having fun