Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
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I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
British people be like I’m Bri ish
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies