Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
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Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
why am I working on Labor Day
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.