I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
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Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
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life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best