No email needs to tell me not to reply.
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Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Shortcut
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
we all know this pain all too well