3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
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When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
The Onion called it…again.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat