My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
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Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
And then there were 4
Meow