Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Baking is just science you can eat.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.